Where is the wedding?

 Woodholme Country Club

Why there?

Because they wouldn’t let us get married at Taco Bell.

What should I wear?

We’re not picky, but please be aware that any guest who shows up in a white dress will assume responsibility for the bill in accordance with the local municipal code.

Why are you getting married?

Primarily for the tax benefits, but it helps that we like the same pizza toppings. 

Are kids welcome?

Nope, sorry.

What if I can’t find a babysitter?

Any children brought to the wedding will be automatically entered in the venue’s Fight Club, in the appropriate weight and age range.

Does the wedding have a theme?

They were out of Space Jam decorations at Party City so we’d thought we’d go with

“wedding.”

When is the RSVP deadline?

If you’re asking this question we imagine it is about two weeks before you manage to

give us your response.

Can I bring a date?

Does your invite say “and guest?”

Well, no, but could I bring a date anyway?

Yes, but we’ll make you leave them at coat check.

Are firearms permitted?

We’ve armed the wedding party, but that’s as far as Maryland law will let us go.  

Will there be dancing?

The bride’s father will be showing off his Cossack dancing skills after approximately three G&Ts.

Will there be any activities happening that I need to know about?

From 10:15 – 10:30, we will be reenacting the Battle of Gettysburg. Please bring appropriate attire.

When will you be having kids?

We’ve promised our firstborn to an evil witch, so we’re going to put it off for while.

So, like, when will you be having kids?

Do you really think this is a good idea? You do know that the bride once killed a cactus?

So…are you planning on kids in the next few years?

Fine. The bride’s uterus will be taking questions at the post-wedding brunch.